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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23165353">just because you're paranoid doesn't mean someone's not out to discorporate you</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/phinnia/pseuds/phinnia'>phinnia</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman &amp; Terry Pratchett, Lucifer (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 12:48:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,464</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23165353</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/phinnia/pseuds/phinnia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In moving to California, they totally forgot about Hastur.  Who is totally out to kill Crowley, thank you.  Sequel to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22847761">rifling through their pockets for spare genders</a>."</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Amenadiel/Linda Martin (Lucifer TV), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Crowley (Good Omens) &amp; Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer TV), Hastur/Ligur (Good Omens)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>395</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chloe was doing paperwork at her desk when Crowley ran into the station.  He was wearing one of Aziraphale's sweaters, his usual jeans, and a completely <i>terrified</i> expression, and he runs over and hides behind Lucifer, who is playing with the wheelie chair he is sitting in.</p><p>"Are you okay down there?"  Chloe asks him.</p><p>"No."  Crowley gibbers, and tries to climb under Lucifer's chair.  "Hastur's trying to murder me."</p><p>Lucifer sighs deeply.  "Can't he just lock himself in his room and listen to the Smiths like every other heartbroken person in existence?  On, no, he just <i>has<i> to come and try and <i>kill</i> you."</i></i></p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"What do you mean, <i>he's trying to kill you</i>?"</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Lucifer smiles.  "Do you want lunch?"</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Chloe frowns at him.  "Why are you changing the subject?"</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"I'm not.  It's just a very long story, and I think it would be best told over lunch."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"So ... let me try and understand this."  Chloe says, taking another drink of wine.  "The world almost ended, but you and Aziraphale stopped it."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"Yeah."  Crowley nods, looking around the restaurant.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"And then you and Aziraphale switched bodies and you went to Heaven and Aziraphale went down to Hell and you ... sort of did each other's ... trials.  You went through hellfire and he had a bath in holy water."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"Yeah."  </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"And you,"  She points a nail at Lucifer, "have a son, who helped stop the Apocalypse.  And you didn't know about him."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Lucifer nods.  "Because of some kind of automatic defense whatever he's got.  Where's Aziraphale now, Crowley?"</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"He's at Amenadiel's.   We figured that was probably safe, with all the wards he's put on the place."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"And this ... demon wants to kill you, because you killed his ... lover demon?  Partner demon?  Common-law-relationship-demon?  Demon-fuckbuddy?  Demon BFF?"</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"Yeah, that's about it."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"And you killed him with a bucket of holy water over the door.  Well, I understand how you get along so well with children now." </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"They were coming to kill me!"  Crowley shouts, glaring at her over his sunglasses.  "It was ... self-defense, or whatever you call it.  Well, I can't actually <i>die</i>, but I <i>would</i> get discorporated, and you can fucking bet I'd never get another body, not in this millenium."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"I need to fix that."  Lucifer mutters to himself.  "Next time I go Downstairs."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"All right."  Chloe takes a deep breath.  "So, what is this demon like?  Is he like Maze?"</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"No.  He doesn't even know what <i>century</i> this is."  Crowley puts his head in his hands.  </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"I'll never forget your M25 presentation." Lucifer chuckles.  "And his question.  'What's a computer'?  Sooo pathetic.  Where do you think Microsoft got the idea for the Blue Screen of Death?  Hell, <i>obviously</i>."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"What's the M25?"  Chloe asks, kind of dreading the answer.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"Oh, it's a motorway - you'd call it a highway - around London, and it's shaped like the Dread Symbol Mu from the language Odegra, so every time cars go around it it emits low-grade evil.  It was all his idea."  Lucifer grins at Crowley.  </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"It got lit on fire during the apocalypse."  Crowley says helpfully.  "I drove the Bentley through it, but Adam remade her when he remade the world."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"Adam?"  Chloe finds it helpful to cling to the smaller things.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"Oh, his son.  I follow him on Twitter."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"So ... the former Antichrist ... has a Twitter."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"Yeah."  Crowley nods.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"Okay.  Back to the demon.   Can you describe this demon?"</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"Sure.  Blonde hair that sticks up, wears a trenchcoat, totally black eyes, exceptionally pissed off and likes fire.  Oh, and he's probably got a frog hanging around him.  Screams like a girl."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"Does he?"  Lucifer says, amused.  </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"Well, he sure as Hell did when Ligur got dissolved by holy water."</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>"Right."  Chloe can't believe that this is her life now.  "I suppose I'll put out an APB on this demon."</i>
  </i>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Dan has questions.  Crowley has answers.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Daniel Espinoza looked at the APB that came in, squinted at it, and looked at it again.  </p><p>This was even stranger than the one Chloe had put out for <i>angel wings</i>.</p><p>Attempted murder, though?  This ... Hastur guy (no last name, probably an alias) ... had tried to <i>murder</i> Crowley?  </p><p>He liked Crowley.  Okay, Crowley was weird, sure.  But he was nice enough, despite being Lucifer's cousin, and his boyfriend was great, if a little fussy (okay, a <i>lot fussy</i>) about his books.  When they all got together they went on <i>weird</i> tangents about history, but fine, some people were just nerds.</p><p>And Crowley was really great with Trixie and Charlie.  Trixie liked him as much as she liked Maze.  </p><p>Dan took down the particulars in the APB.  Blonde ... trenchcoat ... not very tech-savvy.  Okay, fine.  Black eyes?  Probably really dark brown.  Likes fire, got it.  There are pyros everywhere.</p><p>And ... there's probably a <i>frog</i> with him.</p><p>Maybe it's a pet.</p><p><i>Yeah,</i> Dan says to himself.  <i>It's probably a pet.</i>  Living in LA, you see all kinds of weird pets like that.  He'd seen a huge black snake at Crowley and Aziraphale's place once, just lying there on a sunny rock in their backyard, and for thirty seconds he <i>swore</i> Lucifer had been talking to the damned thing.  Probably something like that.</p><p>Crowley is sitting on the floor next to Chloe's desk.  Lucifer and Chloe had been sent out on a call.</p><p>Dan taps Chloe's desk, and Crowley jumps.  </p><p>"Sorry!   Sorry about that."  Dan sits in Chloe's chair.  "Can I ask you a few questions about this guy, Hastur?"</p><p>"Sure, go ahead."  Crowley looks around the station.  "Can we do this ... somewhere else?"</p><p>"How about one of the interview rooms?"</p><p>Crowley nods and follows him into one.  "Fine."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay, so how do you know this ... Hastur?"</p><p>Crowley fidgets.  "Well, he used to be my boss.  Like a manager, you know?  Next level up?"</p><p>"Okay."  Dan takes some notes.  "And have you had ... run-ins with him before?"</p><p>"Oh, yeah, he's tried to kill me before, but that was on orders from upper management."  Crowley chuckles.  </p><p>"Really cut-throat environment?"</p><p>"Well, let's just say they don't send rude notes.  But this time it's personal.  When he tried to kill me last time, I killed his ... I guess you would call him ... his <i>partner</i>."  Crowley raises his eyebrows.  "They were always together, if you know what I mean.  <i>Always</i> together."</p><p>"So he's out for revenge."  Dan muses, and thinks about Charlotte, and how he'd felt about Lucifer then.</p><p>Right.</p><p>"Yeah, pretty much."</p><p>"Where's Aziraphale?  Is he safe?"  </p><p>"He's at Amenadiel's place.  He's safe there."  Crowley says confidently.</p><p>Dan can believe that.  Amenadiel is more than capable of putting down a threat, and they'd increased security after that incident at the Mayan.  </p><p>"Okay."  He closes his notepad.  "I'll see if I can find this guy."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"So Crowley is staying at your apartment?"   Chloe asks Lucifer over the phone.</p><p>"Yup."  Lucifer paces around the penthouse.  "He's in my room, probably having phone sex with Aziraphale or whatever it is they do.  He's probably wanking on my bed and I'll have to get the sheets laundered <i>again</i>."</p><p>Crowley slithers out of Lucifer's room.</p><p>"Or maybe he wasn't talking to Aziraphale."  Lucifer sits down on the piano bench.  "You've gone all snakey again?"</p><p>"Excuse me, <i>what did you say?</i>"</p><p>"Oh, didn't I mention?  All demons have an animal form.  Crowley can turn into a snake whenever he feels like it, it's just a thing he does.   Did you want to look?  I can switch this to a video call."  </p><p>"Uh ... sure."  Chloe says with trepidation in her voice.   The feed switches to video.  There's a medium-sized black snake sitting at Lucifer's feet.</p><p>"Say hello to the Detective, Crowley."  Lucifer says.</p><p>Crowley waves his tail at the phone.   </p><p>"Uh, hi?"  Chloe waves back.  "Is that actually you?"</p><p>The snake looks at her a tilted head, as if to say, <i>of course it is, don't be ridiculous</i>.</p><p>"Oh."  <i>My partner's cousin can turn into a snake.  Of course he can.</i>  "What kind of animal can Maze turn into?"</p><p>"Maze isn't a demon, she's a Lilim.  Different species entirely.  Lilim were born in Hell, all children of Lilith.  Demons fell from heaven, part of the Rebellion."  Lucifer pours himself a drink.  "You want anything, Crowley?"</p><p>Crowley nods.</p><p>"Oh.  I guess that makes sense."  Chloe nods.  "Do snakes drink?"</p><p>"Of course they do."  Lucifer says.  "Well, Crowley does, anyway.  I don't know about regular snakes."  He pours Crowley a shot-glass of whiskey, and Crowley laps it up with a tongue split at the end.</p><p>"Do you use that tongue on Aziraphale?"  Lucifer asks, raising an eyebrow.</p><p>If a snake could scowl, Crowley would do that.  He <i>does</i> give him a raspberry.</p><p>Chloe thinks to herself, <i>yep, this is my life now.</i></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Hastur lurks.  And is angry.   Dr. Linda deals with smells.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hastur, Duke of Hell, was <i>annoyed</i>.  And lurking, of course.  Demons do a lot of lurking.  (Crowley was always terrible at lurking, but he wasn't really much of a demon, by Hastur's standards.)</p><p>He was lurking in a cemetery.  Best place, in his opinion, for a demon to lurk.  Hastur had not updated his opinions since the 14th century. </p><p>He knew the King of Hell was in Los Angeles, and in his opinion (see above) it was perfectly obvious that he would find the King of Hell in a cemetery.  </p><p>He had been lurking in the cemetery for three Earth days.</p><p>He actually didn't like lurking in cemeteries anymore, because it always reminded him of Ligur and how much they used to lurk in cemeteries.</p><p>But it was <i>reasonable</i> (see prior note on opinions) to find the king of Hell in a cemetery and so he was lurking there, feeling what would be, for a human, depressed.</p><p>But demons didn't get depressed.  </p><p>And so Hastur was <i>annoyed</i> instead.  With Crowley.  His flash-bastardness and his unnecessary sunglasses and his killing Ligur for no reason at all and his failure to be a demon of any repute.  </p><p>And so he continued to lurk.  </p><p> </p><p>Linda Martin, ex-therapist to the Devil, was at work when she spotted the strange angry man lurking in the cemetary.</p><p>Well, he wasn't exactly a <i>man</i>.  Something about him made her Celestial-insider's senses itch.  There was something very odd about him.  He smelled ... well, he smelled <i>awful</i>, like a chemical toilet, and he was wearing a trenchcoat and he had strange blonde hair that stuck straight up, and he ... he had a ... </p><p>All right, that was <i>definitely</i> a frog on his head.</p><p>And he was <i>angry</i>.  Very, very <i>angry</i>, about <i>something</i>.</p><p>"Are you all right?"  She asks.</p><p>He looks at her with strange eyes.  They are deep, deep black.  As black as night, as space.</p><p>"I ... I don't know."  he says.</p><p>"Do you want to talk about it?"  She asks.  There is no possible way he can be more frightening than the <i>goddess of all creation</i>.</p><p>He looks at her for a very long moment.</p><p>"Do you like chameleons?"  he asks her.</p><p>"I do."  she replies easily.  "I used to think I could be reincarnated as a chameleon."</p><p>"I had a friend."  he says.  "He liked chameleons too."  A long pause.  "He's gone now." </p><p>"Do you miss him?"</p><p>The man nods jerkily.</p><p>Linda smiles.  Angry grief.  She can handle angry grief.  "Would you like to come inside?"</p><p>She could open the windows to deal with the ... chemical toilet smell.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Crowley teaches Lucifer the art of yelling at plants.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"All right, darling cousin, whatever your desire is, we can get it delivered."  Lucifer flicks through his delivery apps.  "Hungry?  Thirsty?  Horny?  Or just bored?"</p><p>"I'm fine."  Crowley is playing a game on his phone.  "<i>You</i> could do with some plants in here."</p><p>He blinks.  "Plants?  We can order anything from literally <i>anywhere</i> and you're talking about bloody plants?"</p><p>"I <i>like</i> plants.  I'm great with plants."</p><p>The elevator bell rings.</p><p>"What the Hell?"</p><p>"Oh."  Crowley smirked at his cousin.  "That'll be the plants I ordered for you."</p><p>"You have <i>literally</i> lost what is left of your mind."  Lucifer says as Crowley starts to unload the elevator.  "This is not a <i>garden center!</i>  I am the King of Hell!  I do not <i>grow things!</i>  Unless this is pot.  Did you get me pot?"</p><p>"No, I just got you plants you have to leave alone, featherbrain."  Crowley retorts.  "Just water them every now and again.  It's all written on the tags in the dirt.  And shout at them.  Shouting is <i>key</i>.  Shouting is <i>vitally important.</i>"</p><p>"Oh?"  He could do shouting.  He was <i>good</i> at shouting.  You had to shout a lot in Hell, just to be heard from that bloody throne.  Shouting was how you got demons to pay attention. And corporate executives.  And, apparently, Mum.</p><p>"Like this one.  This is a snake plant, and it basically thrives on neglect.  Don't pay attention to it and you'll be fine.  But remember to do this."  His cousin's voice turns silky, threatening.  "Listen to me.  I do not approve of any faffing around!   You will GROW BETTER, do you understand?  Because if you don't - well, we know what happens to <i>the disappointing plants</i>."  He picks up another pot and walks over to the garbage disposal at the sink behind the bar, and starts it running.  "We will <i>not</i> have <i>any</i> black spots, <i>do you understand me</i>?"</p><p>As Lucifer watched in amazement, the snake plant begins trembling, and actually sprouts another inch of growth.</p><p>"Adequate."  Crowley sneers at it over his sunglasses, and puts it by the window.  Then he starts putting up the other plants, carefully inspecting them for ... some kind of plant stuff.</p><p>"That's fucking incredible."  Lucifer whispers.  </p><p>"Don't let them hear that."  Crowley mutters, putting some kind of green and white ... plant ... in a plastic hanging basket by the window.  "You can't be nice to them.  Aziraphale always slacks on mine, always telling them they're <i>beautiful</i> and all that crap.  You wonder how our back garden got the way it did?  Threatening the plants."</p><p>"I <i>was</i> somewhat interested how you managed to get that pineapple tree to grow so bloody fast, considering it didn't even exist when you moved in."</p><p>"It's all shouting.  Shouting and a few well-laid threats, Luci."</p><p>"Are you <i>sure</i> you don't want your job back Downstairs?"  Lucifer asks, eyes gleaming.</p><p>"Nah."  Crowley grins at him.  "I do my all my best work on plants."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>I do return!   They have finally figured out where Hastur is!  Although they haven't caught him yet.  Lucifer did in fact mention the apocalypse to Linda briefly in <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22777363">the snake and the angel go to California</a>.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"I had the strangest patient today."  Linda says over dinner.  </p><p>Her houseguest, Crowley's boyfriend, was perfectly lovely, although he had a tendency to leave mugs of cocoa and tea around to go cold.  But he did like his food an awful lot and he was quite charming.</p><p>"Oh?"  Amenadiel asks.</p><p>"He was very strange.  Dressed in a trenchcoat, with blonde hair that stuck up straight like this -"  Linda gestures with her hands - "And very dark eyes, almost black."</p><p>She hears a clatter of silverware.  "Oh dear.  Oh, oh dear."</p><p>"What is it, Aziraphale?"  Amenadiel turns.  </p><p>"Erm, I believe she's speaking about Hastur.  The one who's trying to kill Crowley."</p><p>"<i>What</i>?"  For Lucifer's Dad's sake, did the Celestial drama never end around here?</p><p>"Erm.  Well, Hastur and Ligur were sent to kill Crowley on Hell's orders - did Lucifer ever mention the apocalypse to you?"</p><p>"Sort of. In passing, yes."  <i>Like everything else important in his fucked-up life.</i>  "He did mention you stopped it."</p><p>"Oh yes, we did rather.  But Hell tried to do away with him, and they sent Hastur and Ligur to perform the job.  He killed Ligur with a bucket of Holy Water he'd placed over the door."</p><p>Amenadiel chokes on his glass of wine, spluttering.  "Where did he get the -"</p><p>"I gave it to him.  He used gloves, I believe, and he'd kept it in a safe in a thermos."</p><p>"Holy Water can wipe out a demon's soul from existence."  Amenadiel explains.  "Like Azrael's Blade does.  Where is Hastur now?"</p><p>"He's probably at that cemetery now.  The one near my office."</p><p>"I'll call Luci."  Amenadiel gets up and grabs his phone.  "We should all go."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The pre-confrontation.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Is that a <i>black spot</i>?"  Lucifer hissed at the plant.  "That bloody better not be a black spot, or I'll get out one of <i>Mazikeen's blades.</i>"</p><p>The plant trembled.   It was terrified - of Crowley, of Lucifer, and of <i>Mazikeen</i>, who it had heard of but never seen.  It assumed this Mazikeen was entirely blades, a larger version of the garbage disposal in the sink.  (This was not an unlikely, nor an entirely untrue, comparison.)  </p><p>"Oh.  It's just dirt."  He brushes the leaf off.  "Well, you'd best <i>remember</i> what I said."</p><p>Lucifer's phone rang and he picked it up.  "Amenadiel!  What's up, brother?"</p><p>"We believe we've found Hastur.  Where's Crowley?  He's not answering his phone."</p><p>"Oh, he's gone all snakey in the hot tub.  Crowley!"  Lucifer shouts.  "Amenadiel found your murderer!  Might want to put something on!"</p><p>"Actually it was <i>Linda</i> that found him."  </p><p>"What, Linda went <i>demon</i> hunting?  That's new for her."  Lucifer holds open the door for his cousin, who slithers up the stairs into the spare room.</p><p>"No, he was lurking at that cemetery near her office.   We think he's still there."</p><p>"Oh, Dad.  Of course he bloody was.  Because he probably assumed I'd be there, <i>naturally</i>, as if I'd ever be caught someplace that boringly <i>dead</i>, full of rotting humans."  Lucifer rolls his eyes.  "Why they put their dead in tiny boxes and then put the tiny boxes in the dirt is beyond me.  If you put the carcass straight in the dirt it would at least fertilize the dirt, but <i>no</i>, they have to put it in a <i>box</i> first."</p><p>"That never made sense to me either."  Amenadiel admits.  </p><p>"Crowley!  <i>Get a wriggle on</i>!"  Lucifer shouts.</p><p>"Shut up, Luci!"  Crowley comes down the stairs, wearing a long black skirt and a red sequinned crop top, along with dangly gold earrings and matching heels.</p><p>"That's not really what you'd wear to catch a murderer, cousin."  Lucifer says with a twisted smile on his face.</p><p>"It's what <i>I'm</i> wearing to catch a murderer.  Says the devil that owns a wardrobe full of designer suits he wears <i>consulting</i>."</p><p>"Fine!  Fine, wear that then.  I'll see you soon, brother."  Lucifer hangs up.  "I'll drive."</p><p> </p><p>"Where <i>are</i> they?"  Maze paced back and forth by the cemetery's entrance, fuming.</p><p>"He said he'd be here soon."  Amenadiel replies.  "I don't know whether they're driving or flying."</p><p>"They're driving."  Aziraphale says confidently.  "Crowley just sent me one of those dreadful text message things."  He holds out his phone distastefully with two fingers.  "I only use this to call Crowley, we have a perfectly serviceable phone at home.  Of course most of the messages he sends me are completely filled with tiny pictures and make absolutely no sense."</p><p>Maze laughs.  "Just like Lucifer."</p><p>"I think it helps if you think of the pictures like a language."  Linda mentions.  "You know, like Chinese."</p><p>"Oh!  Similar to hieroglypics?"  </p><p>"Yes, exactly like that."  </p><p>Amenadiel chuckles. Of course, <i>now</i> Aziraphale was interested.  Give him a dead language and he'd be all over that.</p><p>"I do <i>so</i> miss Ancient Egypt."  he says wistfully.  "They had such lovely storytellers."</p><p>Lucifer's Corvette skidded to a stop, and Lucifer got out.  Crowley got out of the passenger side.</p><p>"My sweet darling, that is an absolutely <i>scrumptious</i> outfit you're wearing."  Aziraphale runs over and kisses her.</p><p>"I picked it out just for you, Angel."  Crowley wraps her arms around her boyfriend.  "I missed you so much.  But I think I managed to get cousin Luci into torturing plants."</p><p>"Oh, how wonderful that you found someone to share your hobby with!"  They walk forward, hand in hand, through the cemetery gates.</p><p><i>"Torturing plants?"</i>  Linda whispers.  </p><p>"It's fabulous, actually."  Lucifer says with a grin.  "You should see my apartment now, it's full of green stuff and none of it is illegal.  I think you'd call it 'taking out your aggression.'</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Trixie solves the case.    Hastur has daily sessions with Linda (and learns to bathe).  There is a gifted pineapple.  (That tradition is a real one.)</p>
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    <p>"Oi, Hastur!"  Crowley shouts.  "I'm here!  Olley-olley-oxen-free!   Come out, come out, wherever you are!"  She waves her hands over her head.  </p><p>"Come along, Hastur, you can't hide from me, and you don't really want to, do you?"   Lucifer shouts.   "King of Hell, standing right here!"</p><p>"What's that noise?"  Aziraphale says sharply.</p><p>They all fall quiet.  </p><p>"Bloody hell."  Lucifer whispers.  "That sounds like <i>crying</i>.   Demons don't <i>cry.</i>"</p><p>Crowley elbows him sharply in the ribs.</p><p>"I wasn't talking about you, you were a rubbish demon for the most part.  All right, nevermind.  <i>Hastur</i> doesn't cry, then, can we at least agree on that part?"</p><p>"I definitely smell something."  Crowley flicks her tongue out.  "And it's definitely Hastur.  A delicate combination of brimstone, mildew, overflowing loo and amphibian. And tears."</p><p>"He did come to my office for grief counseling."  Linda says quietly.</p><p>Lucifer and Crowley look at her in disbelief.</p><p>"Can we speak about this <i>later</i>, please, when he doesn't want to <i>murder you</i>, my darling?"  Aziraphale says tartly.  "I don't want to interrupt, but it does seem terribly important that we <i>catch him unawares</i>."</p><p>"I'll go get him."  Maze says, and she's off, as stealthy as a cat.</p><p> </p><p>Chloe Decker thought her life had been strange <i>before</i>.  </p><p>Then Lucifer called her because he needed <i>her help</i> consulting on a case.</p><p>"You remember that demon that tried to murder Crowley?"</p><p>"Er, yes."  Chloe says.  "I do remember that.  I definitely remember that."</p><p>"Well, we found him.  Well, actually, <i>Doctor Linda</i> found him, in the cemetery next to her office, and she offered him grief counseling for his dead demon ... whatever-the-hell-you-want-to-call-Ligur."</p><p>"Sure, sure, okay, fine."</p><p>"And when we found him he was <i>crying in the cemetery.</i>"</p><p>She nods again.  "Okay."</p><p>"You don't understand."</p><p>"Obviously, I don't."</p><p>"Demons <i>don't cry</i>.  Well, most of them don't.  Ignore Crowley because she's rubbish at demoning.  But Hastur - he <i>definitely</i> was not the crying sort.  He was the "angry setting things on fire" sort."</p><p>"Where are you?"  she asks.  </p><p>"The penthouse."</p><p>"I'll be there in half an hour."</p><p> </p><p>"Luciferrr!"  Trixie throws herself at the Devil's legs.</p><p>"Hello, urchin."  He smiles and strokes her hair.  </p><p>"Maze!  <i>Crowley!</i>  Wow, that's such a pretty top!  Something smells like poo!  Is something wrong with the toilet?"  She hugs all of her favorite people in turn and then just looks up at Hastur.  "Who are you?  I don't know your name."</p><p>"Sorry, I had to bring her."  Chloe apologizes.  "Dan's on a stakeout and Ella's visiting her <i>abuela</i> tonight."</p><p>"No apologies needed, Detective."  Lucifer replies.  "Hastur will <i>behave</i> if he knows what's good for him, won't you Hastur?  Hastur, this is Detective Chloe Decker from the LAPD.  And you're going to tell her everything."</p><p>"Wait."  Hastur sounds confused.  "That can't be Crowley.  Crowley's a flash bastard that wears all black.  That's a <i>woman</i>."</p><p>"Crowley does as Crowley <i>desires</i>, Hastur, and that includes the dress code."  Lucifer says smoothly.  "If Crowley desires to dress in a skirt she can bloody well do as she pleases. That's free will."</p><p>"Why are you sad?"  Trixie asks Hastur.</p><p>Chloe holds her breath.</p><p>"Someone I knew ... he died."  The demon says. </p><p>"Oh!  Like my daddy, and Charlotte?  He talks to Doctor Linda a lot about that.  He was sad a lot after she died."</p><p>The demon nods.  His eyes are very sober.  There are huge red rings under them.  Chloe had thought Lucifer's eyes were dark, but Hastur's were actually black.</p><p>"I've got some paper."  Trixie says.  "And some markers.  Maybe we can draw pictures of you and your friend.  You can keep them if you want to."</p><p>Hastur smiles at the small human.  It feels very strange and was really more of a grimace, but this small human is protected by the King of Hell, so he should protect her as well.  And if that meant 'drawing pictures' (whatever that was), he was going to do it.</p><p> </p><p>Crowley finds some red nail polish and does her nails, and Chloe's, and Linda's, and Lucifer's in black.  Trixie draws pictures with Hastur, which is very odd.</p><p>"Where did all the plants come from?"  Chloe asks.</p><p>"Oh, that was all Crowley's doing."  Lucifer says.  "She shouts at them to make them grow better."</p><p>"She ... shouts at them ... to make them grow better."</p><p>"You should see their back garden.  Truly amazing.  I think they have a pineapple tree that's actually starting to fruit."</p><p>"Pineapple trees aren't native to this climate."  Chloe seems confused.</p><p>Lucifer smiles.  "You haven't seen what she <i>does</i> to plants.  I don't want to do it with the urchin here, she doesn't care for shouting.  But it is truly remarkable.  It didn't even exist when they moved in."</p><p>"She grew it from a seedling."  Aziraphale says from behind them.  "I believe she nicked the seedling from somewhere but she won't say where, and yes, it's just nearly fruiting.  Truly remarkable, that plant shouting hobby.  She heard about it on Radio Four in the 1970's, I believe."</p><p>"Maze seems very interested in it."  Chloe nods to where the demon and the Lilim are on the sofa, deep in discussion.</p><p>"Oh, yes, she is.  I believe they're discussing ferns, or possibly marijuana, and the best threats to use on them."  Aziraphale smiles.  "Crowley likes to use Wagner as a motivational playlist.  Nothing like a little <i>Ride of the Valkyries</i> for the plants to really feel <i>worthy</i> of growing, or so I'm told."</p><p> </p><p>The next morning, Chloe takes down the APB.   Hastur was having daily sessions with Linda (grief management) and Maze had found him a basement apartment in their building.  He seems to have taken a shine to Trixie.  All of the drawings they'd done, of Hastur and his ... dead friend ... were hanging around his apartment.</p><p>Maze was also teaching him that bathing was <i>definitely</i> a good idea.   Fortunately, his ... frog ... seemed to like bathing.</p><p> </p><p>Crowley came in to the station a week later wearing a blue dress and flats and carrying a pineapple.  She knelt down before Lucifer.  "My King."  </p><p>"Get <i>up</i>."  Lucifer rolls his eyes and yanks her to her feet.  "What the hell is that for?"</p><p>"Oh, it's a tradition that Aziraphale found, dating back to the Victorians.  It was popular to grow pineapples then, you remember."</p><p>"I do, actually."</p><p>"And the first one was sent to their ruler.  Well, since Amenadiel isn't really <i>King</i> of Heaven, just <i>Firstborn</i>, you're sort of the closest thing we have.  So here."  She hands him the pineapple.  "This is yours.  First from our tree.  Now I've got to dash, Zira's in the Bentley.  We're going wine tasting."</p><p>"Don't do anything I wouldn't do!"</p><p>"<i>Is</i> there anything you wouldn't do?"</p><p>Lucifer thinks.  "On a wine tasting tour alone with my beloved?  Not a lot."</p><p>Crowley waves and is off.</p><p>Chloe comes out from the lab.  "Why do you have a pineapple?"</p><p>"Crowley gave it to me.  She was just here for a second.  Apparently it's a big thing to do that.  Some Victorian tradition that Aziraphale dug up, giving your first pineapple to royalty.  I think I'm going to use it for drinks.  Care for a mai tai?"</p>
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